Stop Criticizing. Start Coaching: The Secret Great Coaches Know About Giving Feedback
By Vilis Ozols, MBA
Sometimes it’s called feedback. Sometimes it’s constructive criticism, corrective action, or performance coaching.
Other times, it’s called giving someone a piece of your mind, setting them straight, laying down the law, or having a come-to-Jesus meeting.
And depending on which side of the conversation you’re on, you might hear an entirely different description:
“My boss chewed me out.”
“Coach ripped me a new one.”
“She’s nagging me again.”
“I got called on the carpet.”
“He really let me have it.”
Or, on the more positive side:
“My boss really helped me see things differently.”
“Coach challenged me to raise my game.”
“That conversation was exactly what I needed.”
“She helped me understand what I could do better.”
Same basic activity. Very different perceptions. And potentially very different results.
And those differences can have enormous consequences.
How feedback is handled and perceived can mean the difference between a motivated, committed employee who would run through a wall for their team and a disgruntled employee who has already quit on the inside but still shows up for work every day.
One leaves the conversation energized, determined to improve, and confident that their leader wants them to succeed. The other leaves frustrated, resentful, and perhaps a little less willing to give their best effort.
Here’s what makes this so important: The person delivering the message and the person receiving it may have completely different interpretations of the very same conversation.
A manager may believe they’re providing helpful, constructive feedback, while the employee walks away feeling attacked, embarrassed, or discouraged.
A coach may believe they’re challenging an athlete to reach their potential, while the athlete perceives the conversation as criticism or a lack of confidence in their abilities.
Conversely, a conversation that begins with discomfort or disappointment can become a turning point in someone’s development when it’s handled effectively.
The difference isn’t necessarily what needs to be said. It’s how the message is delivered, how the conversation is handled, and what happens as a result.
After years of coaching NCAA Division I athletes and working with business leaders and organizations, I’ve come to appreciate an important distinction:
“Criticism focuses on what someone did wrong.
Coaching focuses on helping them get it right.”
Bad feedback is punitive. Good feedback is developmental.
That distinction may seem subtle, but it can make an enormous difference in how people respond, how relationships develop, and ultimately, how organizations perform.
Great coaches don’t simply identify mistakes. They help people understand what happened, recognize what needs to change, and develop the confidence and skills to improve.
Great leaders do the same.
The secret great coaches understand is that effective feedback isn’t simply about delivering a message. It’s about creating the conditions for improvement.
That requires preparation before the conversation, skill in handling the discussion, and a commitment to follow-through afterward.
Let’s look at the process in three stages: Before, During, and After the Conversation.
PART ONE: BEFORE THE CONVERSATION
Seven Questions Every Leader Should Ask Before Giving Feedback
In athletics, a good coach doesn’t walk into a practice or game without preparation. There’s a game plan, an understanding of the challenges, and a clear picture of what success should look like.
Feedback conversations deserve the same preparation.
Too often, leaders approach these discussions while frustrated, disappointed, or emotionally invested in the outcome. They may know something is wrong but haven’t taken the time to clearly define the problem or consider the employee’s perspective.
Before initiating a feedback conversation, ask yourself these seven questions:
1. Am I being objective, or am I allowing emotions or assumptions to influence my judgment?
Do I have personal biases toward this individual? Do we have a history of disagreements, personality conflicts, or unresolved issues? Am I allowing previous experiences with this person to influence how I interpret the current situation?
Am I making assumptions about their intentions rather than evaluating their actual behavior? Am I reacting to a pattern of performance problems or simply to one incident that particularly irritated me?
Here’s a revealing test:
Would I respond the same way if one of my favorite employees or top performers exhibited exactly the same behavior?
And perhaps the most important question: Am I approaching this conversation to help the individual improve, or am I simply looking for an opportunity to vent my frustration?
2. Can I clearly explain the issue and its impact?
Many feedback sessions die before they even get started because the manager can only vaguely explain the issue or why it’s a problem.
Statements such as “You need to improve your attitude,” “You’re not being a team player,” or “Your performance isn’t meeting expectations” may express dissatisfaction, but they don’t provide enough information for meaningful improvement.
You need to be able to give one or two specific examples of the behavior or performance issue and clearly explain why it matters.
What exactly happened? What was the expected behavior? What was the impact on coworkers, customers, productivity, or team performance?
If you can’t clearly explain what’s wrong and why it matters, how can you expect the employee to understand what needs to change?
“How feedback is handled and perceived can mean the difference
between a motivated, committed employee
and one who has already quit on the inside.”
3. What do I expect during this conversation?
How do I anticipate this individual will react?
Will there be anger, tears, defensiveness, withdrawal, denial, or even deliberate deception? Will they blame others, challenge your facts, or attempt to redirect the conversation? Or will they be receptive and willing to engage in an open discussion?
Think about the individual’s personality, your previous interactions, and how they have responded to difficult conversations in the past.
More importantly, are you prepared to handle those reactions without allowing them to derail the conversation?
A leader who anticipates potential reactions is far less likely to become frustrated, defensive, or caught off guard when the conversation takes an unexpected turn.
4. Are there organizational obstacles contributing to the problem?
Sometimes the problem isn’t entirely the employee’s fault. Sometimes the organization has created conditions that make successful performance unnecessarily difficult.
Are there bad rules, inefficient procedures, conflicting priorities, or limited resources? Are personality conflicts, longstanding disagreements, or preexisting organizational issues contributing to the situation?
Have expectations been clearly communicated? Are different managers giving contradictory instructions? Has the employee been placed in a position where satisfying one expectation means failing another?
And don’t overlook the possibility that your own leadership decisions may be contributing to the problem.
Before holding someone accountable for a problem, make sure you understand what is actually causing it.
5. Do I have the necessary facts and documentation?
This is critical.
Imagine sitting down with an employee, explaining a performance concern, and hearing the response:
“That never happened.”
Now what?
If the employee categorically denies that the situation exists, do you have the facts, specific examples, or documentation necessary to support your position?
Can you identify when the incident occurred, what actually happened, what expectations were violated, and what impact resulted?
Are you relying on firsthand observations and verifiable information, or are you basing the conversation on hearsay, assumptions, or someone else’s interpretation?
If your entire case falls apart the moment the employee says, “I disagree,” you probably weren’t adequately prepared for the conversation.
But having your facts straight is only half the battle.
You must also make every reasonable effort to turn the feedback session into a two-way conversation.
Invite the employee to participate by asking open-ended questions such as:
- “Is there anything else I need to know about this situation?”
- “Do I have my facts correct?”
- “What was your perspective on what happened?”
- “Is there something I’m missing that would help me better understand the situation?”
And here’s the important part:
You must actually listen to the answers.
Don’t simply ask questions as a formality while waiting for your next opportunity to talk. The employee may have information that changes your understanding of the situation, reveals an underlying problem, or identifies a solution you hadn’t considered.
However, experienced leaders also recognize that not every feedback conversation will become a productive dialogue.
Sometimes an employee is angry, confrontational, evasive, or simply unwilling to participate. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself conducting an almost entirely one-way conversation.
Even though it’s not ideal, you must be prepared for the possibility that you’ll be doing all the talking as the manager—and still need to accomplish the purpose of the session.
In those circumstances, you need to be able to clearly explain the documented concern, establish expectations, outline the required corrective action, and communicate the consequences and follow-up without relying on the employee’s participation.
This isn’t the ideal approach. Coaching works best when both parties are engaged. But sometimes the manager must take the lead and establish a clear course of action, even when the employee refuses to contribute.
The key is to remain professional, factual, and respectful while leaving the door open for the employee to provide additional information or participate constructively.
Great leaders prepare for the conversation they hope to have—and the conversation they may actually get.
6. Have I mentally rehearsed how to approach the discussion?
Some feedback conversations are going to be awkward. Some will be uncomfortable. And some have the potential to become downright confrontational.
Preparation matters.
Have your key words, phrases, and thoughts ready before you begin. Think carefully about how you’ll introduce the issue, explain your concerns, and describe the behavior you want to address.
Don’t verbally paint yourself into a corner because you haven’t thought through how to say what needs to be said.
A poorly chosen word, an exaggerated accusation, or an emotionally charged statement can shift the entire conversation away from the performance issue and into an argument about what you just said.
For example, telling someone, “You always have a bad attitude,” invites an argument about the words “always” and “bad attitude” rather than a discussion about specific behavior.
Mental rehearsal doesn’t mean memorizing a speech. It means preparing yourself to communicate clearly, remain composed, and avoid unnecessary distractions that could undermine the conversation.
7. What specific results am I hoping to achieve?
Before the conversation begins, identify the single most important thing you want to accomplish.
What is the one result that would make this a productive session?
Perhaps it’s establishing agreement that a performance problem exists. Perhaps it’s getting a commitment to change a specific behavior, clarifying expectations, or agreeing on a concrete action plan.
Difficult conversations can take numerous unexpected directions. Emotions surface. New information emerges. People become defensive. Side issues threaten to take over.
Without a clear objective, it’s easy to spend thirty minutes talking and accomplish absolutely nothing.
Know the one thing you need to accomplish, regardless of how many directions the conversation might take.
That doesn’t mean ignoring important new information or forcing an agreement that isn’t justified. It means having a clear destination while remaining flexible about the route you take to get there.
Leadership takeaway: The purpose of preparation isn’t to build a stronger case against someone. It’s to prepare yourself to help them succeed.
PART TWO: DURING THE CONVERSATION
Five Coaching Principles That Turn Criticism Into Constructive Feedback
Preparation gives you a foundation. What happens once the conversation begins determines whether the employee experiences the discussion as a personal attack or an opportunity to improve.
Here are five coaching principles to guide the conversation.
“People can’t easily change who they are. They can change what they do.”
1. Focus on Behavior, Not Personality
Imagine a manager telling an employee:
“You’re careless and you don’t pay attention to detail!”
Now imagine that same manager saying:
“In the last two customer proposals, there were several pricing errors that required us to send corrections to the clients. Let’s look at how those errors occurred and what we can do to prevent them.”
Which approach is more likely to improve performance?
The first attacks the individual. The second identifies a specific behavior and provides a path toward improvement.
The same principle applies across virtually every business situation.
Telling an employee they’re “unprofessional,” “unmotivated,” or “not a team player” may communicate frustration, but it rarely provides meaningful direction.
Instead, identify observable behaviors and explain their consequences.
For example, rather than saying:
“You’re not dependable.”
Try:
“The last three project updates were submitted after the agreed-upon deadlines. That delayed the team’s ability to complete its work. Let’s discuss what’s happening and how we can address it.”
Specific feedback replaces personal judgment with actionable information.
Leadership takeaway: People can’t easily change who they are. They can change what they do.
2. Listen Before Prescribing Solutions
One of the biggest mistakes leaders make during feedback conversations is doing too much talking.
They explain the problem, describe its consequences, outline the solution, and tell the employee what to do next.
Then they wonder why the employee doesn’t seem committed to improvement.
In coaching, I’ve learned that what an athlete sees or experiences can be very different from what a coach observes on the sidelines.
An employee might be struggling because they misunderstand an assignment, lack confidence, or are uncertain about their responsibilities.
Without asking questions, the manager may never discover the real issue.
Once you’ve explained the concern, give the employee an opportunity to respond.
Ask questions such as:
- “How do you see the situation?”
- “What do you think contributed to this?”
- “What challenges are you experiencing?”
- “What might I be missing?”
And then listen.
Really listen.
Remember the ears-to-mouth ratio. We have two ears and one mouth, and effective leaders should put both ears to work.
Listening doesn’t mean abandoning expectations or accepting excuses. It means gathering information before deciding what needs to happen next.
Leadership takeaway: Feedback becomes far more effective when employees feel heard rather than simply judged.
3. Look Beyond the Individual: Sometimes the System Is the Problem
Not every performance problem is a people problem.
Sometimes it’s a process problem, a communication problem, a training problem, or a leadership problem.
In athletics, when a team repeatedly struggles with a particular play, a good coach doesn’t automatically conclude that the athletes aren’t trying hard enough.
Perhaps the strategy is too complicated. Perhaps the players haven’t practiced it sufficiently. Maybe their responsibilities aren’t clear.
The coach has to examine the entire situation.
Business leaders should do the same.
Before attributing poor performance to an individual’s attitude or work ethic, consider whether the organization has created obstacles to success.
Are expectations clear? Have employees received adequate training? Do they have the necessary resources? Are competing priorities making success difficult? Have managers provided consistent direction?
These questions don’t eliminate individual accountability.
They make accountability fairer and more effective.
After all, it’s unreasonable to demand exceptional performance while ignoring the conditions that make that performance possible.
Leadership takeaway: Before asking why someone isn’t performing, make sure you’ve given them a reasonable opportunity to succeed.
“The most effective coaching conversations don’t simply tell employees what to do. They help employees take ownership of the solution.”
4. Create Ownership, Not Compliance
There’s an enormous difference between getting someone to follow instructions and getting someone to take ownership of an outcome.
A leader who simply tells an employee what to do may achieve temporary compliance.
A leader who involves that employee in developing the solution has a much better opportunity to create genuine commitment.
In athletics, a coach can continually tell players what adjustments to make. But the ultimate objective is to develop athletes who recognize situations, make good decisions, and adjust their own performance.
That’s when real development occurs.
The same principle applies to leadership.
Once you’ve established a shared understanding of the issue, resist the temptation to immediately provide every answer.
Instead, ask:
- “What do you think we should do differently?”
- “What would help prevent this from happening again?”
- “What specific steps could you take to improve the situation?”
And here’s something I’ve found particularly interesting over the years.
You may be surprised how often the employee suggests exactly the same solution you were hoping to propose yourself.
Think about the difference that makes.
Instead of the manager imposing a solution, the employee has identified it, articulated it, and taken some ownership of making it work.
But here’s another surprise.
Sometimes the employee’s proposed solution is considerably harsher than anything you had in mind!
An employee may suggest an unnecessarily severe consequence, an unrealistic performance target, or a corrective action that’s far more demanding than the situation requires.
That’s when you, as the coach or manager, have an opportunity to step in and say something like:
“Well, I appreciate your willingness to take responsibility, but I don’t think we need to go quite that far. Let’s look at an approach that’s realistic, fair, and gives you the best opportunity to succeed.”
Think about what just happened.
Instead of being the person imposing discipline or demanding more, you’ve become the person helping the employee develop a reasonable, achievable solution.
You’ve shifted the dynamic of the conversation from confrontation to collaboration.
Of course, you may still need to provide guidance, establish boundaries, or clarify nonnegotiable expectations. And not every employee suggestion will be practical or appropriate.
But whenever possible, allow employees to contribute to the solution.
People are more likely to support what they help create.
And when individuals take ownership of improvement, leaders begin developing independent thinkers rather than employees who constantly wait for direction.
Leadership takeaway: The objective isn’t simply to get people to do what you want. It’s to help them develop the ability and motivation to succeed.
5. Protect Dignity While Promoting Accountability
One of the simplest leadership principles is also one of the most frequently overlooked:
Praise in public. Correct in private.
Recognition can be a powerful motivator. When people perform well, acknowledging their contributions reinforces desirable behaviors and communicates what the organization values.
Of course, not everyone enjoys public recognition. Effective leaders understand their people well enough to recognize them in ways that are meaningful and comfortable.
Corrective feedback, however, should generally be handled privately.
Public embarrassment rarely produces the kind of trust, engagement, or long-term improvement that leaders want.
Think about an athlete who makes a mistake during a competition.
A coach may need to make an immediate correction. But there’s a difference between providing useful instruction and humiliating someone in front of teammates and spectators.
The same distinction applies in business.
Effective leaders address performance issues promptly, directly, and respectfully.
They also recognize that corrective feedback should be developmental, not punitive.
That doesn’t mean eliminating consequences or avoiding difficult conversations. Accountability remains essential.
It means approaching the discussion with the primary objective of improving future performance rather than punishing past mistakes.
Employees should leave a constructive feedback conversation understanding three things:
- What needs to change.
- Why the change matters.
- How they can move forward successfully.
Leadership takeaway: You can hold people to high standards without diminishing their dignity. In fact, the best leaders do both.
PART THREE: AFTER THE CONVERSATION
The Sixth Coaching Principle: Follow Through and Reinforce Improvement
6. Follow Through: Feedback Without Accountability Is Just Conversation
Imagine a coach spending twenty minutes helping an athlete understand a technical problem, discussing the necessary adjustments, and agreeing on a plan for improvement.
Then imagine the coach never checking whether the athlete actually made those adjustments.
What was accomplished?
Perhaps something. But the opportunity for meaningful improvement was left unfinished.
The same happens in organizations every day.
Leaders conduct performance discussions, establish expectations, and express confidence that things will improve.
Then everyone returns to work, and the conversation is forgotten.
Effective feedback requires follow-through.
Always create and clearly articulate a specific follow-up plan before ending the feedback session. And then stick to it.
“Feedback without accountability is just conversation.”
For example, a manager might say:
“OK, let’s work with this new approach for the next full week. Then next Monday, right after our team meeting, let’s get together for ten minutes to review how it’s working, what progress you’ve made, and whether we need to make any adjustments.”
That’s specific. Both people know what’s expected, when they’ll reconnect, and what they’ll discuss.
Better yet, put the follow-up appointment on the calendar before the conversation ends.
Don’t leave it at “Let’s see how things go” or “We’ll talk about this again sometime.”
A follow-up commitment without a specific time and date is too easy to forget.
Before concluding the conversation, establish a clear action plan.
What specifically will change? Who is responsible? What support is needed? When will progress be reviewed? How will success be measured?
And here’s another important coaching principle:
Great coaches catch their people doing things right!
This becomes especially important after a corrective feedback session.
When an employee makes the adjustment you’ve discussed, don’t wait until the next scheduled meeting to acknowledge it.
Recognize the improvement when you see it.
A simple comment such as, “I noticed how you handled that customer situation today. That’s exactly the kind of approach we talked about. Nice job!” reinforces the desired behavior and demonstrates that you’re paying attention to progress, not just problems.
Accountability isn’t simply about identifying when someone falls short. It’s also about reinforcing progress and acknowledging successful changes in behavior.
In athletics, improvement comes through practice, repetition, adjustment, and continued coaching.
Why should workplace performance be any different?
Leadership takeaway: The success of a feedback conversation isn’t determined by what was said. It’s determined by what changes afterward.
The Real Leadership Opportunity: Develop People, Don’t Just Correct Them
The best coaches understand that their responsibility extends far beyond winning the next game.
They’re developing skills, building confidence, creating accountability, strengthening teamwork, and helping individuals achieve levels of performance they may not have believed possible.
“The ultimate goal of feedback isn’t to prove that you’re right.
It’s to help someone else get better.”
Business leadership carries a remarkably similar responsibility.
Every feedback conversation presents a choice.
You can focus on what’s wrong, or you can focus on what needs to improve.
You can assign blame, or you can create understanding.
You can demand compliance, or you can develop commitment.
You can make people defensive, or you can help them become better.
None of this means avoiding tough conversations. Quite the opposite.
Great leaders are willing to have difficult conversations precisely because they care about performance, accountability, and the success of their people.
But they understand that how those conversations are handled matters just as much as the message being delivered.
The ultimate goal of feedback isn’t to prove that you’re right. It’s to help someone else get better.
And that is the difference between criticizing and coaching.
Vilis Ozols, MBA, is a professional speaker, leadership consultant, and former NCAA Division I head volleyball coach. Through Ozols Business Group, he helps organizations strengthen leadership, build high-performing teams, and create cultures of engagement, accountability, and performance excellence.